Ould man and the tree

Some notables hiccups in history
Decca: The Beatles will not make it because “Guitar music is on the way out” 
Gary Cooper: Turned down Gone With The Wind and rejoiced that it would be Clark Gable “falling on his face”
DEC founder Ken Olsen: “There is no reason why anybody would want a computer in their home”
Western Union: “The telephone will provide no value to the ordinary man in the street”
My Ould Lad “Right let’s take down that fecking tree by the stream” 

One evening after we had closed the shop the ould lad came into the kitchen. 

“That fecking tree will have to go” says he
“What tree” says my Mother
“The one by the stream” says the ould lad.
“Why” says my Mother
“It’s full of fecking crows every morning and they make a huge fecking racket” says he
“Big fecking tree that” says I “Who we going to get to do it” 
The look was enough FFS me again
First thing tomorrow” says he

 Got up the next day and resurrected the chainsaw, spent about an hour oiling it and sharpening the teeth, then had a bite of breakfast.

 “The tree is a bit near the shed” says I
“Well be fecking careful” says he – FML

 I took stock of the situation and decided that the best plan of action would be to lop the branches off, starting from the top. I got a ladder and started on the higher branches.

 I was going quite well and had got to about the middle of the tree when I hit one of the branches with my elbow and numbed my hand, causing me to drop the chainsaw. I had the chainsaw on a proper restraining belt and it had a “dead man’s switch” so when it hit my leg it was shut down. It still hit my leg a belt, and as, unlike the chainsaw, I didn’t have a restraining belt I fell out of the tree. The landing was soft enough, because I fell into the bleeding stream, but the chainsaw came with me and landed on my ankle. I hobbled out of the stream, discarded the chainsaw, and made my way up to the house. The ould lad was in the kitchen have a cuppa.

 “Well” says he
“Don’t ask” says I
“What the feck is wrong” says he
“Don’t ask” says I
“You’re wet” says he
“No Shiite” says I as hobbled off to get changed.
“Fecking Eejit, can’t do anything right” says he.

 With dry clothes on I hobbled back out and finished lopping off the branches and surveyed the tree. It had a distinct lean now it was bare and even with V cuts and chocks I could see no way that I could make it fall anywhere other than onto the shed. I called the ould lad.

 “Da, it will fall on the shed whatever I do” says I
“Hmm, get the tractor NOW” says he

I got the tractor and the ould lad gathered up a rope and lashed it about halfway up the tree and tied it to the tractor.

 “Get on with it and I’ll take the strain with the tractor and it will fall away from the shed” says he “simple when you know how” He lit his pipe and sat contented in the cab of the tractor.

 “Da” I started
“Not now, just do it” says he
“But Da” says I
“NOW” says he

Ok, I started on the shed side and cut a V about a third into the tree and chocked it. Then I was about to start on the other side when I tried to talk to the ould lad.

 “Da” says I
“Just hurry up” says he chewing on his pipe “We haven’t got all day”
“But Da” says I
“NOW” says he.

 Ok, I set about the other side and was close to the swing point when the ould lad who was watching, saw the progress and to hurry things up, gunned the tractor in low gear and started forward. There was an almighty crack and the tree began to topple, it fell in a perfect line with the rope and the top of it landed on the safety cab of the tractor, smashing the windscreen and side windows, leaving the ould lad in a bit of a state, but unharmed. I had tried to tell him that the rope was too short, I did really.

 “You fecking eejit, why did you have to chop that tree down anyway, it wasn’t doing anyone any harm”……….

 Gotta love him